We’re getting close.
For as long as we’ve had our moving plans in place, I’d been enduring all different kinds of emotions. Was I sad? Excited? Hesitant? Expectant? I just couldn’t decide. It seemed like I was experiencing a new emotional response with each hour that passed.
During this past weekend, I’ve found myself feeling far more settled, peaceful, and determined. I’ve found language for my hopes and I’ve found determination to see them through. I am not heading out on this journey to just get by. I’m stepping out on a limb and I’m expecting God to meet me there.
While driving back “home” (to my parents’ house) on Saturday night, I told Ryan that I’ve already begun to recognize opportunities and special situations that never would have occurred but for this “sabbatical” in New York. I can already see that if we had not chosen to do it this way, we would be missing out. I find that incredibly soothing.
I am not one to persistently pursue anyone or anything without a proper shove in the back (figuratively speaking – although, sometimes a true physical shove would probably be good, too). Once I get on track, however, I realize that it will all be worth it and I stick with it till the end. The thing is – I want to be more than that. I don’t want to doubt myself or others. I want to love and I want to risk. And I want to trust.
I want to serve without giving thought to how I’ll be repaid. I want to lend, to comfort, to prefer.
I can already feel it happening. And though I am aware that I’ll probably always be on a journey toward selflessness, I won’t let that deter me. Each day can end with progress, if I choose it. And that’s enough to strive on, until tomorrow, when more progress can be made. And again. And again.
We leave for our long drive to New York on Sunday morning at 2am (we hope). We will leave my hometown. We will leave my parents. We will leave my memories. We will leave the comforting bubble I’ve been so fortunate to be cushioned with all these years. And it will be good. I know that. Sometimes a little discomfort is what brings out the best in us. We just have to be willing to see it that way.
So I’m ready. I’m ready for the change. I’m ready to move. I’m ready to see and feel and experience and give and lovesomuch.
And I’ll do it with a smile on my face. I’ll do it with expectancy.