I’ve been missing. I’m sorry.
I realized last night that I’ve totally checked out for the last couple of days. We finished packing up last Friday. We spent the whole day transferring all our things to my dad’s company warehouse, and on Saturday (my birthday), we spent all day cleaning the apartment. At some point on Saturday, I became very in touch with the fact that I had not mentally prepared myself for these changes. As of Friday night, we’ve been staying with my parents. Our official move date isn’t until the 20th. So…I still live in California, but I don’t have a home. Talk about an in-between stage!
Anyway, I felt a little distraught throughout the weekend, and yet, last night I found myself completely shut down to those emotions. At first, I thought, did I make it? Did I push through? Am I past that? But no. I’m not. Somewhere along the line I just decided to stop paying attention to my feelings. I didn’t mean to, really.
I told Ryan how I was feeling. He was quick to say, “The only way you’re going to move past these things is if you choose to take each one, name it, and deal with it – one by one.” And of course, he’s not just referring to my feelings regarding this transitional period. He’s talking about all the other millions of thoughts, concerns, and fears I’ve got floating around in my noggin.
And that’s where I hesitate. I don’t particularly like to deal with the negative stuff. I mean, sure, I want it to go away. I want to come out of it more knowledgeable and better for the wear – but I don’t actually want to process through the pain, difficulty, frustration, sadness, and discomfort.
Yet, isn’t that where wisdom comes from? If I neglect to acknowledge those things, they will only burrow deeper. How can I possibly go on living like that?
The answer is, of course, I cannot. I must not. I’m 23 years old. I refuse to live the rest of my life without facing my issues. I will move forward. I will deal with them, one by one, and sometimes, perhaps they will simply be a mystery of the human heart. Maybe I won’t resolve anything. Maybe I’ll still feel apprehensive, or a little lonely, or slightly distraught. But I won’t ignore myself anymore.
That’s where I’m at. I have so much to say. There’s a lot I’d like to share, and perhaps some of it isn’t “shareable” but I’ll do my best to open my heart up just a little bit.
And now I need to go do something about these caffeine jitters. Eek!