I hate sickness. Not just the fact that it doesn’t feel good, but the fact that it causes me to be so…un-me. Do you know what I mean?
I am not necessarily the world’s most patient mother/wife, but I definitely prefer to talk things over calmly and orderly as opposed to hashing things out loudly. That’s usually how I like to handle any kind of conflict with Ryan, and it’s how I go about correcting and disciplining Jack, too.
Unfortunately, our home has been ravaged by an awful sinus infection for the past week and a half. It hasn’t reached Ryan, thankfully, but Jack and I have been on a very frustrating roller coaster. First, it seemed like we caught colds. Jack’s nose was flowing like a river, and I got that telltale tickle in my throat. In no time, I was using up tissues galore and Jack was cranky most of each day. Then, on Sunday, I noticed that my ear was feeling funny every time I blew my nose. The next morning…wouldn’t you know, I had the worst earache I could remember having. Oh, and I’d spent the night up with Jack while he apparently dealt with an earache of his own. I also noticed that my face felt strangely sensitive…right around the sinus cavities.
Since then, we’ve been seriously fighting this thing. I’ve tried every home remedy out there, and although temporary relief usually comes, I’m miserable. Jack has napped a lot and he does seem a bit better, but I’m afraid to assume it’s over, considering how unpredictable this infection has been.
As for me, I’ve been in bed for the greater part of the last three days. I hate it. My whole house is in shambles, laundry isn’t getting done, dishes are piling in the sink, my bathrooms need attention, my room has clothing all over the floor, and I consider it an accomplishment if I manage to shower each day. Now, if that was all…I might not feel so bad. But…it’s not all.
Something happened to my calmness. Something has come over me and it’s as if I don’t know how to logically work through frustration. I can’t even count how many times I’ve burst into tears. If you know me…you know that I don’t cry a whole lot. Maybe I should, but the point is, I usually don’t. Any little act of disobedience from Jack makes me want to cry and yell and actually try to get him to tell me why he’d do such a thing. As if a 19-month-old could verbally explain his disobedience.
I haven’t lost control…I just feel like it’s slowly oozing out of me. And I just don’t like it. I don’t want to be this person. Each time it happens, I resolve that I will handle things differently the next time. And then, it happens again, and I’m stumped as to how I didn’t manage to gain control that time.
Is it possible to be kind, loving, patient, and easy-going when you feel like someone has punched you in the forehead and left the biggest, throbbing bruise to remember them by? Is it possible to handle your emotions maturely and calmly when you feel like someone is stabbing you in the ear? I’d like to believe it is. I want it to be possible.
I guess I just needed to vent…and to tell on myself. I feel very inadequate and very frustrated about it all. I have complained a lot, and I don’t want to do that, either.
I’ve got a clove of raw garlic in my ear to ease the pain of the ear infection, and I’m going to take some time to think about how I might be able to remain calm, even in the midst of all this. Pray for us!!