My Sleepy Heart

I am so at my wit’s end. All those supposed “sleep solutions” do not work. All those times people say, “oh, don’t worry, he’ll go back to his old routine in no time,” well, it’s not true. All of the “normal sleep habits of a x month old” do not apply to Jack. He is his own man.

I understand that in the world of breastfeeding, sleeping through the night is not desirable. But my situation seems a bit unique. You see, he slept through the night till he was 5 months old – of his own accord. No sleep training. No ignoring his hunger cues. He just slept. For the last 6 months, I’ve been in this insane sleepless stupor. Occasionally, he decides to sleep really well for a few nights. I begin to praise God for seeing me through. And then…the following night, he wakes up at 10, 12, 2, 4, 6, and then is up for the day before 8.
Right now, we seem to be in a bit of a pattern. He wakes up any time between 2-4, and then again around 6 (sometimes later) and I’m lucky if he sleeps for a little while after that. Of course, that’s not so bad. But last night, I was talking to Allie, and her 11 week old is sleeping almost identically to Jack. I’m feeling very discouraged!
I’m done trying to make a difference. He wakes up, nurses, and goes back to sleep. But, for some reason my letdown takes forever at night, so we end up nursing for a really long time. I’d lay down and have him nurse while I sleep, but the older he gets, the worse he sleeps when he’s in our bed. So, I have to sit up each time he wakes up. I am beginning to feel like I did when he was a newborn.
I always wanted him to wean himself from nighttime feedings. Now, the idea of nighttime weaning him sounds attractive to me. At least that way Ryan could help. At this point, if Ryan tries to help him go back to sleep, all Jack does is scream until I come to the rescue.
Is my desperation obvious!? I’m so tired. Every morning I wake up exhausted. Naps really inhibit my nighttime sleep. Ryan has been going to work early a lot which means I usually don’t get a chance to sleep unless it’s Saturday morning. I’m living for Saturdays right now. I feel so ridiculous. I am hoping and hoping that after he turns 1, Jack will suddenly stop waking up because he’s a toddler now. But who am I kidding? He really is his own man – he won’t abide by “shoulds,” no way!
That’s just a little glimpse into my sleepy heart. Pray for me.


Filed under on being a mama

3 responses to “My Sleepy Heart

  1. birthhappy

    I’m so, so sorry and I feel your pain. I’ve never had a really good sleeper! I am exhausted all the time. My second slept through the night from two to five months and then began to wake again. As much as I despise the “cry it out” method, I have always had to resort to it eventually- usually around a year old. But I have to put a noisy fan in my room the first few nights because I cannot bear the crying. If I hear it, I always eventually give in. I feel super bad that they have to cry those nights, but none of them have seemed permanently scarred and they do become good sleepers. Anyway, with a nine-month old now, I join you in your sleep-deprived stupor!

  2. Katie

    My advice is – buy a good coffeepot and set it to auto brew at 6 am for you 😉

    In all seriousness, I’m sorry for you. I don’t know if you will be like me, but over the years interrupted sleep has stopped rocking my world as hard as it did with baby #1. Can you nap at all during the day?

    Shiloh and I sleep/nurse together at night and if she’s tossing too much then I move her to her bed until the next nursing session. Would that work for you? Just sleep together until he’s too wiggly?

  3. Lindsey Elizabeth Burke

    Please KNOW that if you do decide to wean Jack off of nighttime feedings you are not defeated. You are AMAZING for keeping it up this long! AMAZING. You are a ROCKSTAR! Eli started waking up again at night to eat around 9 months and that is when I started weaning him altogether (now I think it was a God thing because I was prego and didn’t know it yet)! I couldn’t handle the waking up I knew if I was going to be a functional human being and be alert at work with the other children, I had to do something different. And I was starting to resent it all…I wanted to have a good memory of nursing, I still have moment where I feel like I want to nurse Eli (I still have the tingle sensation I would have when I would ‘let down’).

    What I am trying to say is that don’t feel pressure from outside forces about Jack and what do for him. You are his mother and you make the final decision for him! What is best for YOU and for him.

    You are amazing and I think you are doing an awesome job!

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