Well, Jack has been asleep for about 40 minutes now, and all I’ve done so far is look at pictures of me, Ryan, and Jack when Jack was born, and just random pictures from Texas life. It comforts me to do this sometimes – not sure why. I’m still amazed at our life. It’s amazing to me that, in two short years, we were married, got pregnant, moved to Texas, had a baby, and moved back to California. That seems like a lot! It’s gone by so quickly – sometimes I don’t realize how much we’ve gone through until I take a moment to reflect. I’m very grateful.
I don’t think we ever stop changing – in fact, the last two years are a good testimony to that, but I feel especially rocked by change lately. When we moved back here, a lot of things turned upside down. Literally two days before we moved here, Jack stopped sleeping through the night and hasn’t returned to a consistent schedule since. We thought we were going to attend my lifelong home church but ended up being called somewhere else. Things with friends seem to b different (inevitable when you move away and come back, I think). And, now we’re trying to adjust to life at a new church. It seems we have an entirely new perspective on life. We’ve begun counseling. We’ve been majorly re-evaluating and examining our walks with God. We’ve discussed buying a house. We’ve discussed the possibility that we may move again sometime in the nearer (not very near, but nearer) future. We’ve wondered and wondered when our next baby will come (impatient much? We’re definitely being humbled). We’ve talked about buying a new car. We’re settling major debts and feeling that weight being lifted. For the first time, we’re managing our finances well and we can actually pay our bills each month. Ryan’s job has been good, but a huge adjustment from being free to do music whenever he wanted.
There is so much change, and often times, I find myself utterly exhausted. I mean, counseling in and of itself is kicking my butt. Just learning about myself, mending past issues, and working through current issues – those things are tough! I’ve always been content to play the “life is good” card without really uncovering any of my insecurities and issues. But, for the last several months, it’s like there’s something welling up inside me. There’s something pushing through, and I feel like I’ve been holding my breath under water for way too long, and I just need to GASP and BREATHE! And boy, has it felt good.
I have never liked to cry in front of people. I’ve never liked talking about my weaknesses or my downfalls. I’ve never been good at confronting people or talking about issues face-to-face. But it has felt so good to venture completely out of my comfort zone. Each week, before my counseling appointment, I feel sick to my stomach. I don’t want to go. I hope and hope that it will be canceled. But, as soon as I get there, I feel a huge weight lift off of me as I share my heart. I marvel at how God works – he takes me to a place that I am reluctant to go because of fear – he gently leads me to a safe place, regardless of how uncomfortable it seems – and slowly, I heal. Ahh.
I’m just feeling reflective. I wasn’t really planning to write about that today, but I feel better, now. Sometimes, it feels good to admit to the world that I’m struggling a bit. I feel much more real that way.
So, here are some thoughts I’ve had about “homey stuff” lately:
What are some healthy, inexpensive lunch recipes? I am great with breakfast and dinner, but I always find myself at a loss when shopping for lunch foods. I get tired of sandwiches, mostly because I’d rather not have all the mayo and mustard all the time, and honestly, I don’t much like a dry sandwich. I would rather not buy frozen meals. I’d like to get some ideas for quick, yummy salads, some different kinds of wraps, and anything else that’s simple but nutritious. I have to keep in mind that we don’t use butter, fried foods, and we try to eat cheese very minimally. Basically, we don’t do high fat. That sort of limits our options. I’ll be researching the whole thing, but I’d love input from any of you readers.
I’ve been thinking about Jack’s upcoming 1st birthday. I’m not planning on throwing a big ol’ party for him, mostly because we don’t have many people we’d invite anyway, and also because I don’t see why we should spend money on a birthday that he isn’t even aware of. 🙂 I’m thinking about having a small-ish party with family and some close friends. Here’s my dilemma – we would really like to limit how many and what kind of toys Jack receives. Ultimately, we’re hoping to start a real book collection for him. Is there any kind of tactful way that I can communicate this to family and friends? I don’t want to offend anyone. I don’t want to sound like I’m assuming anything. I sort of think of it like this: if I personally was buying a gift for someone’s birthday, I’d want to know exactly what they would like so that my gift really means something to them. I was hoping that this is a common mindset. I definitely need help with this one!
Well, I think I’m done. 🙂 The weather is finally warming up, and when Jack wakes up, I definitely think a walk is in order. Have a happy day!